by: Tasha Tonning 3/6/18
None can claim to reach adulthood without being scarred by those thoughtless, unkind words spoken by the influencing adults in our lives. In a perfect world, all adults would cautiously think out every word spoken to innocent, impressionable, pliable children, but this is not a perfect world. If honest with myself, I have little doubt that I have spoken words that have left their mark too. I know I personally would never have done harm intentionally, but sometimes we can cause harm even without intending to do so.
While there were numerous negative critiques in my childhood, each to leave different scarring marks that have caused me to continue an ongoing negative commentary on present day events, I would like to share the results of one of these in particular.
My mother's catch phrase was, "You'll never get this, let me just do it."
While there were numerous negative critiques in my childhood, each to leave different scarring marks that have caused me to continue an ongoing negative commentary on present day events, I would like to share the results of one of these in particular.
My mother's catch phrase was, "You'll never get this, let me just do it."
Had this been me with my mother; if she tried to teach me how to do anything, about the time I could be seen beginning to frown with concentration, I could be sure to hear those hated words.
The natural reaction to this type of repetitive critique was that I ended up getting frustrated more quickly, knowing that if I didn't get it "right" quickly, I would lose any instruction to help me learn. When I got frustrated, it tended to feel more intense. I would become tearful at the first difficulty faced in any task. It quickly taught me that it was better to not try to learn. This taught me to critique my life with a critical, negative shadow. |
Now as an adult, I can take my own side and challenge my critical self-attacks.
I would like to use learning to crochet as my example in this case. I believed that I could not learn to crochet due to being told I would never get it.
I would like to use learning to crochet as my example in this case. I believed that I could not learn to crochet due to being told I would never get it.
CHALLENGE:
1) Is my internal critic responding to Facts or Interpretation?
If I tell myself that something is too difficult for me even attempt learning, I am responding to interpretation;
If I tell myself that something is too difficult for me even attempt learning, I am responding to interpretation;
- in the present - my personal interpretation based on the early teachings of the critiquing adults in my life.
- in the past - also based on interpretation by an adult in my life.
2) If I were critiquing a friend under the same circumstances, what would I be saying to them?
If I had a friend who was afraid to try to learn something new, or felt sure that they couldn't do something, I would be telling them:
If I had a friend who was afraid to try to learn something new, or felt sure that they couldn't do something, I would be telling them:
- You will never know till you try it, it might come easy and be something you love doing.
- Just because you try it once, and don't get it "right" doesn't mean you can't do it.
- Learn from your mistakes, try again.
- Practice, Practice, and Practice is the only way to master anything you try.
Is our negative internal commentary based on something we were told in the past?
1) Who was the original critic?
My Mother
My Mother
2) What are their qualifications to make the judgment they made?
- She was qualified in the level of knowledge about the craft.
- She had no qualification as an effective teacher.
3) Was that person's negative critique intended to foster a positive change in us, or was it a way to discredit, dismiss, or invalidate us?
- As a child, it felt true. My mother was an adult that I looked up to; that I admired. I expected her to do and say things looking out for my best interest.
- Looking back at the situation from a mature stance, my mother said that I would never get it, so she wouldn't have to deal with it.
4) If you were to relive the ORIGINAL circumstances, what critique would you give to yourself that would be more accurate?
- Learning to crochet takes time.
- You can do this if you are willing to take the time to learn.
- Of course you are going to make mistakes; that is okay. Just take out those stitches and try again.
- You don't know the pleasure you will be denying yourself if you give up before you master this.
- Practice, Practice, then practice some more to master this.
Once I was an adult, I did just that. I went from being sure that I couldn't learn to crochet... to this by using my own, more accurate critique.
My original designs
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Without a pattern
Mastery of the craft for me, was the day someone gave me a picture of a crocheted item and said I want "THIS", so I created it. |